“Wanna hear some really funny quick jokes?” I asked my girlfriend. She said, “I thought that's what having sex with you was.”
Ha ha, it’s a laugh a minute around here. Well, if you could use a laugh (or more) a minute, read on. This funny stuff covers a lot of bases. Maybe it’ll even get you past first.
Links to more jokes like this at bottom of page.
The airplane landed with several bone-rattling thumps.
Immediately afterward the flight attendant announced:
"Sorry for that jolt, and you’re probably wondering whose fault it was. Well, I want to assure you it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't my fault, and it wasn't the airplane’s fault. It was the asphalt."
At the supermarket a woman was sorting through the fresh whole turkeys. She was having trouble finding one large enough for her whole family.
A stockboy walked by and she asked, him "Excuse me, do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stockboy answered, "No ma'am, they're dead."
My doorbell rang last weekend. When I pulled it open there was a nice-looking young couple on my porch.
The man said, "Good morning, sir. We’re Jehovah’s Witnesses, and we’d like to give you some literature. If you have a minute we’d love to chat with you about our work.”
I wasn’t busy so I invited them in for coffee. When they were settled I asked them what they wanted to tell me first.
The young guy said, "Beats the heck out of me, We never got this far before.”
Apple Computer revealed it has invented a new silicon chip that stores and plays songs in breast implants. The iBOOB is projected to sell for $299.
Apple hailed this as a giant step forward, because women always complain that guys are constantly ogling their boobs and not listening to them.
Last week I was telling my husband about how some religions believe that when you die you get reborn, but as a totally different animal.
He said he thought he’d like to be reincarnated as a pig.
I said, "Obviously you weren’t listening."
A woman raced her car up her driveway, squealed the brakes and screeched to a stop.
She ran inside, banged the front door shut, and yelled, “Honey, pack your suitcase! I just won the Powerball!”
Her husband shouted back, “Wow! Really? That’s awesome!! What do you want me to pack? Mountain stuff or Caribbean stuff?
She shouted back, “I don’t give a flip. Just get the hell out!”
A mafia boss in Brooklyn needed a new accountant.
He interviewed several guys for the job by asking one question, “How much is two plus two?”
Only one applicant had the right answer:
“How much do you want it to be?”
A woman strolled into a pharmacy, then walked straight over to the pharmacist. Calmly and seriously she said, “I need some cyanide.”
“Why would you possibly need to buy cyanide?” the druggist asked.
The woman said, “To poison my cheating bastard of a husband.”
The druggist was shocked. “You know I can’t do that. It’s illegal. I can’t sell you cyanide to kill your husband! We’d both wind up in prison. There’s no way I’m doing that!”
The woman opened her purse. She extracted a photo of her husband in a motel bed with the druggist’s wife.
He looked at the photo and said, “Ah, that's different. You neglected to mention you had a prescription.”
A policeman saw a little boy in the mall who looked lost. The cop asked if the little boy was all right, and he replied, “I’ve lost my grandpa.”
The cop said, “Okay, we’ll find him. First, tell me his name.”
“Grandpa,” said the little boy.
The cop smiled at that, and asked, “Well, what’s he like?”
The little boy thought for a minute and said, “Football, and girls with big hooters.”
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