Top 40 Funny Thanksgiving Quotes

Top 40 Funny Thanksgiving Quotes

Funny thanksgiving quotes: better than Pepto Bismol Pie, and not a turkey in the bunch. Help yourself to seconds and thirds.

Links to more Thanksgiving humor at bottom of page.
Share your own funny quote or feedback in the Comment box.


Funny Thanksgiving Quotes
Group 1


If there's a better way of showing thanks than eating a large bird followed by pie, I'd like to see it.
- Jake Vig ‏@Jake_Vig

It's not Thanksgiving until your backyard game of touch football ends with Grandma being put into concussion protocol
- Zack ‏@Mr_Kapowski

Hope my relatives are getting along with the professional line sitter I hired to hold my place at the front of the Thanksgiving food line.
- John Lyon ‏@JohnLyonTweets


Funny Thanksgiving Quotes
Group 2

Kids: "Thanksgiving is boring."
Me: "Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again."
Kids: "YAY!"
- Jawbreaker ‏@sixfootcandy

Having thanksgiving with the in-laws and apparently we're all very thankful for our smartphones.
- HammBone ‏@hammbone84

"Thanksgiving was better in prison." - Uncle Spike, every year since his parole
- Untastic Mr. Fitz ‏@UnFitz

Thank God I can start calling this my "holiday weight".
- Just Bill ‏@WilliamAder

Leftover pie is the only thing I'll be fighting for on Black Friday.
- Jawbreaker ‏@sixfootcandy

Relationship Status: Stuffing the Thanksgiving turkey without innuendo or irony.
- Ham on Wry ‏@HeyZeus666



Group 3

Native American: Great meal. So, how long you guys planning on staying?
Pilgrim: Um....

My Thanksgiving wish is that every time someone says they ate so much they're going to explode, they actually do.
- Guy Endore-Kaiser ‏@GuyEndoreKaiser

If anyone from my family asks, I accepted an early invitation to have Thanksgiving with you guys. Don't worry, I'll be at Denny's again.
- Sëã Tęâ ‏@Tierno158

Fun Prank: Once people are finished, tell them your signature Thanksgiving Bloody Mary gets most of its' flavor from raw turkey gizzards.
- Martin Munson ‏@wickedimproper

*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
- Grant Tanaka ‏@GrantTanaka


Funny Thanksgiving Quotes
Group 4


I love Thanksgiving! When else can you eat too much and watch football? Except for like every weekend.
- Ellen DeGeneres ‏@TheEllenShow

Thanksgiving recipe for Rick:
Preheat man cave to 72 degrees
Set TV to football
Stuff with turkey
Let rest for 10-12 hours.
- Rick Aaron ‏@RickAaron

Would love to have just one Thanksgiving without getting into an argument during dinner that leads to me being ejected from Denny's
- Bridger Winegar ‏@bridger_w

Note to self: when they ask you what you're thankful for, don't just list off your prescriptions.
- emily lime ‏@emilylime

Every Thanksgiving I bring the champagne, because in my family we all know what our strengths are
- Gloria Fallon ‏@GloriaFallon123

Happy Thursday to all my Canadian friends.
- Tony™ ‏@tsm560



Funny Quotes About
Thanksgiving
Group 5

There's "awkward" and then there's the Lone Ranger and Tonto have Thanksgiving Dinner awkward.
- Just Bill ‏@WilliamAder

If your in-laws are coming for Thanksgiving now is a good time to start brining the turkey in your tears.
- Rick Aaron ‏@RickAaron

Just got a Happy Thanksgiving e-mail from my gastroenterologist.
- Damien Fahey ‏@DamienFahey

Sorry about last year, when I gave your Thanksgiving dinner a bad Yelp review, but those potatoes were "whipped," not “mashed."
- Just Bill @WilliamAder

The sweet nostalgia of Thanksgiving when we all admire Nana’s prized soup tureen, which she brought with her when she emigrated from Sears.
- Annie Hatfield ‏@HatfieldAnne

I love spending Thanksgiving surrounded by all these great friends I met in the Best Buy parking lot.
- John Lyon ‏@JohnLyonTweets


Funny Thanksgiving Quotes
Group 6

I'm thankful for each and every one of you. Now stop hiding in the broom closet reading tweets and get back with your family.
- Ellen DeGeneres ‏@TheEllenShow

I'm sorry I embarrassed you in front of your family, but I bet the Indians would have been thrilled to receive a jumbo pack of toilet paper.
- Guy Endore-Kaiser ‏@GuyEndoreKaiser

Did what the recipe said, flipped the bird and now everyone's mad at me.
- Lori ‏@loribuckmajor

The doctor told me I can't drive a forklift on the medication he prescribed. And like that, my Thanksgiving is completely ruined
- Bridger Winegar ‏@bridger_w

Thanksgiving would be better if the pilgrims had shot a lobster and the Indians brought French fries.
- C'est la vie ‏@Robert_Beau

Just because I put too much alcohol in the cranberry sauce doesn't mean you & uncle Gary can use it for Jello shots before dinner.
- @Henry_3k ‏@Henry_3k


Funny Thanksgiving Quotes
Group 7

Thanksgiving journal, Day 3: Have come to regard eating pie 3-5 times a day as normal. Wearing a bed sheet as a toga because nothing fits.
- John Lyon ‏@JohnLyonTweets

You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
- De Nada Donna ‏@Donna_McCoy

Fun game: Text your mom on Thanksgiving afternoon "How many minutes do I microwave a 25lb frozen turkey?"
- Marlebean ‏@Marlebean

*switches the place cards so I'm sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
- Annie Hatfield ‏@HatfieldAnne

Before Thanksgiving guests arrive, wedge a chair under the hall closet door knob and, when they ask about it, nervously change the subject.
- Just Bill ‏@WilliamAder

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