These Funny Sex Quotes may shock a few Puritans, but the rest of us get off on ‘em. These bedroom jokes will get you in the mood for love. Or laughter. Whatever you need most.
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You know that look women get when they want to have sex? Me neither.
- Steve Martin
I want to tell you a terrific story about oral contraception. I asked this girl to sleep with me and she said 'No.'
- Woody Allen
It's been so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up whom.
- Joan Rivers
My wife is a sex object - every time I ask for sex, she objects.
- Les Dawson
See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.
- Robin Williams
Studies show that about half of Americans have sex at work. Coincidentally, that’s the same half that say they are happy with their jobs.
- Melanie White
Sex is like math: you add the bed, subtract the clothes, divide the legs, and hope you don’t multiply.
- Phil Proctor
Erotica is using a feather; pornography is using the whole chicken.
- Isabel Allende
Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.
- George Burns
The last woman I was in was the Statue of Liberty.
- Woody Allen
Men like women with a past because they hope history will repeat itself.
- Mae West
My wife likes to talk to me during sex. In fact, the other day she called
me from a motel.
- Scotty Record
If God’s got anything better than sex to offer, he’s certainly keeping it to himself.
Don't bother discussing sex with small children. They rarely have anything to add.
- Fran Liebowitz
My sex life is very bad. If it weren’t for pickpockets I’d have no sex life at all.
- Henny Youngman
I asked my wife, “On a scale from one to ten, how do you rate me as a lover?”
She said, “You know I’m no good at fractions.”
- Rodney Dangerfield
I worry about kids today. Because of the sexual revolution they’re going to grow up and never know what “dirty” means.
- Lily Tomlin
Give me chastity and continence, but not yet!
- Saint Augustine
Good girls go to heaven, bad girls go everywhere.
- Mae West
I told my girlfriend that unless she expressed her feelings and told me what she liked, I wouldn’t be able to please her. So she said, “Get off me.”
- Garry Shandling
Our cat sleeps between us. We call her the Tiny Chaperone.
- Emily Claire Tamblyn
Give a man a free hand and he'll try to put it all over you.
- Mae West
The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs a lot less.
- Brendan Behan
In Germany police are searching for a woman who holds men at gunpoint and forces them to have sex with her. Actually the gun isn’t for the sex, it’s to keep the guy around later to make him cuddle.
- Jay Leno
Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.
- Groucho Marx
Wilt Chamberlain had sex with 10,000 women, but how many of them did he truly love?
I would say 3,000 at most.
- Sean O’Connor
There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL.
- Lynn Lavner
My girlfriend always laughs during sex, no matter what she's reading.
- Emo Philips
Before casual sex, it’s best not to mention to your partner that you might want to do a little tweeting afterward.
- Greg Tamblyn
Sex is a two-way treat.
- Franklin P. Jones
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