Top 40 Funny Life Quotes

Top 40 Funny Life Quotes

Funny life quotes and free clean jokes. Enough funny stuff to make your life pass before your a whole new way. Take two dozen and call me in the afterlife.

Links to more funny life quotes at bottom.
Share your own funny quotes or feedback in the Comment box.

Free Clean Jokes:
"Life," Group 1

Sure, everyone always said “Socrates what is the meaning of life?” or
“Socrates how can I find happiness?” Did anyone ever say “Socrates, 
hemlock is poison?”
- Unknown Author

I didn’t believe in reincarnation in my past life, and I still don’t.
- Woody Allen

The hardest thing about life is that every now and then you have to do things so you have something to tweet about.
- Andy Borowitz

The lifespan of the citizens of Monaco is several years longer than the people of Japan or Italy. This is proof that casinos are good for you.
- Greg Tamblyn

Funny Life Quotes
Group 2

The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
- Al McGuire

I'm spending a year dead for tax reasons.
- Douglas Adams

Accept that some days you are the pigeon, and some days you are the statue.
- David Brent

I must confess, I was born at a very early age.
- Groucho Marx

The realisation that one is to be hanged in the morning concentrates the mind wonderfully.
- Samuel Johnson

Not only is life a bitch, but it is always having puppies.
- Adrienne Gusoff

Life is a tough proposition, and the first hundred years are the hardest.
- Wilson Mizner

Life is a roller coaster ride with no lap bar.
- Greg Tamblyn

Funny Life Quotes
Group 3

Strange as it may seem, my life is based on a true story.
- Ashleigh Brilliant

I have a feeling that when my ship comes in, I'll be at the airport.
- Charles M. Schulz

To err is human; to forgive, infrequent.
- Franklin P. Adams

Life is a sexually transmitted disease and the mortality rate is 100 percent.
- R.D. Laing

If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.
- Johnny Carson

The Secret To Life Is Making Sure
You Have Enough Enchilada Sauce.

Free Clean Jokes:
Group 4

In the game of life it's a good idea to have a few early losses, which relives you of the pressure of trying to maintain an undefeated season.
- Lee Trevino

I’d like to advance to the next spiritual plane, but I can’t find my boarding pass.
- Melanie White

Insert tool P into hole V and screw gently.
If you accidentally insert into hole A, simply remove and try again.
- IKEA Guide to Life ‏@IKEALifeGuide

Life is hard, but it's harder if you're stupid.
- Michael Crichton

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.
- Woody Allen

Funny Stuff:
"Life" Group 5

Life is like a dogsled team. If you ain't the lead dog, the scenery never changes.
- Lewis Grizzard

The pioneers get the arrows, the settlers get the land.
- Unknown author

Autocorrect just changed “my life” to the poop emoji.
- Kent Graham ‏@KentWGraham

I don't want to own anything that won't fit into my coffin.
- Fred Allen

When your wife promises you that all her relatives will be in heaven, it starts to sound a lot like hell.
- (from a cartoon by Tim Lachowski)

Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
- Anonymous

Life is like asking the pilot of an airplane, “Where are we?” By the time he answers, you’re not there anymore.
- Phil Proctor

All I want is my life to be a comedy with a happy ending.
- Greg Tamblyn

Funny Life Quotes
Group 6

Most of life is driving somewhere and then driving back and wondering why the hell you went.
- John Updike

Life is not too bad if you have plenty of luck, a good physique, and not too much imagination.
- Christopher Sherwood

When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained.
- Mark Twain

There's birth, there's death, and in between there's maintenance.
- Tom Robbins

There is nothing more exhilarating than to be shot at without result.
- Winston Churchill

I was wise enough to never grow up while fooling most people into believing I had.
- Margaret Mead

Life is one duct tape job after another, interrupted by occasional chocolate chip cookies.
- Greg Tamblyn

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