Funny life quotes and free clean jokes. Enough funny stuff to make your life pass before your eyes...in a whole new way. Take two dozen and call me in the afterlife.
Free Clean Jokes
"Life," Group 1
My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.
- Woody Allen
Life is a tough proposition, and the first hundred years are the hardest.
- Wilson Mizner
Life is hard, but it's harder if you're stupid.
- Michael Crichton
The hardest thing about life is that every now and then you have to do things so you have something to tweet about.
- Andy Borowitz
If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.
- Johnny Carson
Life is a gamble at terrible odds; if it was a bet you wouldn't take it.
- Tom Stoppard
The gods throw the dice, and they don't ask whether we want to be in the game or not.
- Paulo Coelho
Life is a maze in which we take the wrong turning before we have learned to walk.
- Cyril Connolly
I was wise enough to never grow up while fooling most people into believing I had.
- Margaret Mead
I must confess, I was born at a very early age.
- Groucho Marx
I'm spending a year dead for tax reasons.
- Douglas Adams
Accept that some days you are the pigeon, and some days you are the statue.
- David Brent
The realisation that one is to be hanged in the morning concentrates the mind wonderfully.
- Samuel Johnson
Not only is life a bitch, but it is always having puppies.
- Adrienne Gusoff
The lifespan of the citizens of Monaco is several years longer than the people of Japan or Italy. This is proof that casinos are good for you.
- Greg Tamblyn
I didn’t believe in reincarnation in my past life, and I still don’t.
- Woody Allen
To err is human; to forgive, infrequent.
- Franklin P. Adams
Life is a sexually transmitted disease and the mortality rate is 100 percent.
- R.D. Laing
Funny Life Quotes, Group 3
The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
- Al McGuire
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
There's birth, there's death, and in between there's maintenance.
- Tom Robbins
I’d like to advance to the next spiritual plane, but I can’t find my boarding pass.
- Melanie White
Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all.
- Woody Allen
There is nothing more exhilarating than to be shot at without result.
- Winston Churchill
I don't want to own anything that won't fit into my coffin.
- Fred Allen
Funny Stuff: "Life" Group 4
Sure, everyone always said “Socrates what is the meaning of life?”
“Socrates how can I find happiness?” Did anyone ever say
hemlock is poison?”
When your wife promises you that all her relatives will be in heaven, it starts to sound a lot like hell.
- (from a cartoon by Tim Lachowski)
Most of life is driving somewhere and then driving back and wondering why the hell you went.
- John Updike
Life isn’t a cabaret. It’s a dive bar.
- Woody Paige
Life is not too bad if you have plenty of luck, a good physique, and not too much imagination.
- Christopher Sherwood
When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained.
- Mark Twain
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