Funny Life Quotes

Funny life quotes and free clean jokes. Enough funny stuff to make your life pass before your a whole new way. Take two dozen and call me in the afterlife.

Free Clean Jokes
"Life," Group 1

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.
- Woody Allen

Life is a tough proposition, and the first hundred years are the hardest.
- Wilson Mizner

Life is hard, but it's harder if you're stupid.
- Michael Crichton

The hardest thing about life is that every now and then you have to do things so you have something to tweet about.
- Andy Borowitz

If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.
- Johnny Carson

Life is a gamble at terrible odds; if it was a bet you wouldn't take it.
- Tom Stoppard

The gods throw the dice, and they don't ask whether we want to be in the game or not.
- Paulo Coelho

Life is a maze in which we take the wrong turning before we have learned to walk.
- Cyril Connolly

Funny Life Quotes
Group 2

I was wise enough to never grow up while fooling most people into believing I had.
- Margaret Mead

I must confess, I was born at a very early age.
- Groucho Marx

I'm spending a year dead for tax reasons.
- Douglas Adams

Accept that some days you are the pigeon, and some days you are the statue.
- David Brent

The realisation that one is to be hanged in the morning concentrates the mind wonderfully.
- Samuel Johnson

Not only is life a bitch, but it is always having puppies.
- Adrienne Gusoff

The lifespan of the citizens of Monaco is several years longer than the people of Japan or Italy. This is proof that casinos are good for you.
- Greg Tamblyn

I didn’t believe in reincarnation in my past life, and I still don’t.
- Woody Allen

To err is human; to forgive, infrequent.
- Franklin P. Adams

Life is a sexually transmitted disease and the mortality rate is 100 percent.
- R.D. Laing

Funny Life Quotes, Group 3

The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
- Al McGuire

Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
- Anonymous

There's birth, there's death, and in between there's maintenance.
- Tom Robbins

I’d like to advance to the next spiritual plane, but I can’t find my boarding pass.
- Melanie White

Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all.
- Woody Allen

There is nothing more exhilarating than to be shot at without result.
- Winston Churchill

I don't want to own anything that won't fit into my coffin.
- Fred Allen

Funny Stuff: "Life" Group 4

Sure, everyone always said “Socrates what is the meaning of life?” or
“Socrates how can I find happiness?” Did anyone ever say “Socrates, 
hemlock is poison?”
- Anonymous

When your wife promises you that all her relatives will be in heaven, it starts to sound a lot like hell.
- (from a cartoon by Tim Lachowski)

Most of life is driving somewhere and then driving back and wondering why the hell you went.
- John Updike

Life isn’t a cabaret. It’s a dive bar.
- Woody Paige

Life is not too bad if you have plenty of luck, a good physique, and not too much imagination.
- Christopher Sherwood

When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained.
- Mark Twain

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