Inflict these funny friend quotes on your friends and you might even make a few more friends! True friends are ones we can laugh with, go halves with, even take a bath with. (See: Japan.)

Funny Quotes:
"Friends" Group 1

If you can make me laugh, I will help you hide a body.
- Christopher Piatt

Heaven must be an awfully dull place if your best friends end up elsewhere.
- Anonymous

A lifelong friend is someone you haven't borrowed money from yet.
- Anonymous

It is one of the blessings of old friends that you can afford to be stupid with them.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

Shampoo for my real friends, real poo for my sham friends.
- gonnnzo ‏@gonnnzo

Funny Friend Quotes
Group 2

My best friend ran away with my wife. I really miss him.
- Henny Youngman

Friends are very important. I have lots of friends in very high places. I hope the police can talk them down.
- Craig Sharf

He’s the kind of friend who will always be there when he needs you.
- Adam Christing

The best way to lose a friend: tell her something for her own good.
- Anonymous

A friend is a person who is happy about your success - as long as it doesn’t interfere with hers.
-Anonymous

When you’re in your 30s, it’s hard to make a new friend. Whatever group you’ve got, that’s who you’re going with. If I meet a guy at the gym or the club, it’s like, “I’m sure you’re a nice person; you seem to have a lot of potential. We’re just not hiring right now.”
- Jerry Seinfeld

Funny Friend Quotes
Group 3

The common denominator of all my friends is that they're dead.
- Peter O'Toole

Acquaintance. n. A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to.
- Ambrose Bierce

It takes a long time to grow an old friend.
- John Leonard

Good friends, good books and a sleepy conscience: this is the ideal life.
- Mark Twain

The hardest thing is writing a recommendation for someone we know.
- Kin Hubbard

Friends are important. Especially when they visit. Otherwise, why would you ever clean your house?
- Greg Tamblyn

Funny Quotes About Friends, Group 4

Friendship is the only thing in this world, the usefulness of which all mankind are in agreement.
- Cicero

Flatterers look like friends, as wolves like dogs.
- George Chapman

A witty friend may be defined as a droll model.
- Dr. Mardy Grothe

There are very few honest friends -- the demand is not particularly great.
- Marie von Ebner-Eschenbach

Love is blind, friendship closes its eyes.
- Nietzsche

A real friend is one who says, “Don’t worry about it. If I was that schnockered, I would have done the same thing.”
- Greg Tamblyn

Funny Friend Quotes
Group 5

Most people enjoy the inferiority of their best friends.
- Lord Chesterfield

I choose my friends for their good looks, my acquaintances for their good characters, and my enemies for their intellects. A man cannot be too careful in the choice of his enemies.
- Oscar Wilde

Whenever a friend succeeds a little something in me dies.
- Gore Vidal

Man, I’m telling you: If you have a woman and she has a best friend, they have drawn your penis on a napkin at Denny’s
- Monique Marvez

Your friend gets involved with someone, it affects the friendship. Whenever a friend of mine has a new girlfriend, we should say, “I look like the person you used to know, but I’ve been modified to survive in this relationship. If we have an argument and she’s there, I may disagree with you. I’d rather continue to see her naked.”
- Jerry Seinfeld

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