Funny Christmas Quotes

Funny Christmas quotes and short clean jokes to celebrate the yule fool in all of us. Funny sayings about the holidays to keep it all in playful perspective. Merry Merry! (Lots more Christmas amusement on this site - links at the bottom. Enjoy!)


Funny Sayings:
Christmas, Group 1

What I like about Christmas is that you can make people forget the past with the present.
- Don Marquis

Because of some defect in my motor skill, I can never COMPLETELY wrap [gifts]....If I had been an ancient Egyptian in the field of mummies, the lower half of the Pharaoh’s body would be covered only by scotch tape.
- Dave Barry

As popular as Christmas is, it would be even bigger if it had vampires.
- Andy Borowitz

I was going to exchange my brother one time after Christmas, but my mom would never tell me where he came from.
- Melanie White

The one thing I remember about Christmas was that my father used to take me out in a boat about ten miles offshore on Christmas Day, and I used to have to swim back. Extraordinary. It was a ritual. Mind you, that wasn't the hard part. The difficult bit was getting out of the sack.
- John Cleese


Funny Christmas Quotes, Group 2

I hate the radio this time of year because they play "All I Want For Christmas Is You" like, every other song. And that's just not enough.
- Bridger Winegar

There is a remarkable breakdown of taste and intelligence at Christmastime. Mature, responsible grown men wear neckties made out of holly leaves and drink alcoholic beverages with egg yolks and cottage cheese in them.
- P.J. O’Rourke

There’s something about Christmas that’s magical. Money just seems to disappear into thin air.
- Melanie White

Adults can take a simple holiday for Children and screw it up. What began as a presentation of simple gifts to delight and surprise children around the Christmas tree has culminated in a woman unwrapping six shrimp forks from her dog, who drew her name.
- Erma Bombeck

A lovely thing about Christmas is that it's compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together.
- Garrison Keillor



Short Clean Jokes: 
Christmas, Group 3

The Supreme Court ruled against having a nativity scene in Washington DC. This was not for religious reasons. They couldn’t find three wise men and a virgin.
- Jay Leno

Thank goodness Christmas is a state of mind. I’d hate for it to be the state of my bank account.
- Melanie White

What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
- Phyllis Diller

A Christmas Nightmare: going caroling for your neighbors, and Simon Cowell is one of them.
- from a cartoon by Whyatt.com.au

My Christmas wish is to spend more time unwrapping presents than I do untangling lights.
- Melanie White


Funny Christmas Quotes, Group 4

I love Christmas. I receive a lot of wonderful presents I can’t wait to exchange.
- Henny Youngman

You can return all the Christmas gifts you want, but you will never get back the time spent with your relatives.
- Andy Borowitz

Once again we find ourselves enmeshed in the Holiday Season, that very special time of year when we join with our loved ones in sharing centuries-old traditions such as trying to find a parking space at the mall.
- Dave Barry

That's the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me.
- Jerry Seinfeld

Xmas Trivia: Before it became a major shopping holiday, Christmas is believed to have had a "religious" meaning.
- Andy Borowitz


Funny Christmas Quotes: Group 5

Bloody Christmas, here again
Let us raise a loving cup
Peace on earth, goodwill to men
And make them do the washing up
- Wendy Cope

I’m extremely sentimental about Christmas, actually. Every Christmas I still take my socks off and stand them in front of the fireplace.
- Eric Morecambe and Ernie Wise

Christians have created a holiday that has become a beast that cannot be fed. Christmas gets longer and longer and longer, and you don’t care, do you? You just take more and more of the calendar for yourself. It’s unbelievable. How long does it take you people to shop? It’s beyond belief. It’s insane. When I was a kid, Halloween was Halloween, and Santa wasn’t poking his ass into it.
- Lewis Black

I forget the derivation of Boxing Day, but the feeling of wanting to invite your loved ones outside one at a time and punch them in the face, does that come into it somewhere?
- Allison Pearson

My son, Rob....said the only time he ever wraps a gift is, quote, “if it’s such a poor gift that I don’t want to be there when the person opens it.”
- Dave Barry


Funny Christmas Quotes, Group 6

It's my new single — please buy it so we can get Christmas gifts for the kids this year.
- Stevie Wonder

A true Christmas miracle is when you manage to untangle all your Christmas lights from last year. Double miracle if they still work.
- Melanie White

I get the same thing for Christmas every year – deeper in debt.
- Melanie White

I’m all for Christmas cheer – only I don’t think you can find it in egg nog.
- Melanie White

The Christmas bonus I’m hoping for this year is not to get laid off.
- Melanie White

If you haven’t gotten the Christmas spirit yet; it’s not too late. I hear they’re having a big sale on it down at the mall.
- Melanie White

In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians called it 'Christmas' and went to church; the Jews called it 'Hanukkah' and went to synagogue; the atheists went to parties and drank. People passing each other on the street would say 'Merry Christmas!' or 'Happy Hanukkah!' or (to the atheists) 'Look out for the wall!
- Dave Barry

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More holiday cheer? Go here:

Funny Christmas Sayings

Funny Christmas Jokes

Funny Christmas Songs

Clean Christmas Jokes

Xtra Funny Xmas Jokes

Santa Jokes

Funny Christmas Card Sayings

Christmas Party Jokes Games

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