Clever, comical engineering jokes to entertain all engineers and friends of engineers. (Let’s face it, most of the friends are probably engineers, too.) Here, for the personal enjoyment of your own inner geek, are my favorite free clean jokes about engineers.
"Normal vs Engineer"
Normal people believe that if it isn't broken, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it isn't broken, it doesn't have enough features yet.
To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
Engineering Jokes: "Golf"
A minister, a heart surgeon and an engineer were standing on the 6th tee behind an especially slow foursome of golfers. The engineer said impatiently, "These
bozos are slow as molasses. They should let us play through!"
The surgeon agreed, "Amazingly slow, and I've got to get back to the office!” The minister said, "I'll call the marshall. We can ask him to speak to them.”
The marshall showed up and the minister asked, “What's the deal with these guys in front of us? They take half an hour on each hole."
The marshall said, "Well, those guys are blind firemen. They saved our pro shop from a fire a few years back, losing their eyesight when the building collapsed. We let them play for free whenever they want."
The three complainers were quiet for a minute.
The minister finally said, "That's not only sad, but heroic. I’ll say a special prayer and take up a collection for them."
The surgeon added, "Good. And I'm going to contact an ophthalmologist and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"
"Mechanical vs Civil"
What's the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?
Mechanical Engineers build weapons. Civil Engineers build targets.
Engineering Jokes: "Train Travel"
Three engineers and three attorneys are booked on the same train to a convention. At the station, the attorneys buy three tickets, then are puzzled when the engineers only buy one ticket. "How can all three of you guys get away with just a single fare?" asked the lawyers. "Pay attention and we'll show you," they answer.
Once aboard, the lawyers find their seats. They watch as the three engineers squeeze themselves into a single restroom and lock the door. Soon after the train is moving, a conductor comes by and punches each lawyer's ticket. Then he raps on the men's room door while saying, "Ticket, please." The door cracks open slightly, and an arm extends a ticket out to the conductor. He punches it and exits to the next car.
The are impressed at the engineers' cleverness. After the convention, the attorneys figure if engineers cn pull of this stunt, it should be no problem for lawyers. So they buy a one return ticket for all three of them. To their amazement, the engineers don't even buy one ticket. "How the hell can you do this with no ticket?" they ask the engineers. "Pay attention and we'll show you," they answer.
Once aboard, the attorneys all squeeze into one men's room, and the engineers fold themselves into a different one. After the train is moving, one of the engineers exits the men's room and goes to the one where the attorneys are hiding. He gives the door a couple of sharp raps and says, "Ticket, please."
"Who Designed The Body?"
Three engineering graduates were debating who designed the human body. One said, "It had to be a mechanical engineer, with all those joints."
The second said, "It was definitely an electrical engineer. Look at all those thousands of electrical connections in the nervous system."
The last one said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"
"The Value Of Expertise"
A truly talented mechanical engineer who could seemingly fix anything had happily retired. One day his former company got in touch about a very expensive machine that it seemed no one could get working properly. They'd attempted every fix they knew of, without even partial success, and they were losing lots of money from the machine being down. As a last resort, they begged their retired former employee to come in and give it a shot.
The happily retired engineer hesitated, but finally agreed.
It took him most of a day to inspect the giant piece of equipment. When he finished, he chalkmarked an X on a specific part of the machine, and let his former bosses know where it was. A new part was orderd and once installed, everything worked beautifully.
Some time later they received a $50,000 invoice from the engineer for his work. Astonished, the company bosses insisted on an itemized account of his fees.
He sent them another invoice which read:
One chalkmark: $10
Knowing where to put it: $49,990
Engineering Jokes: "Are You Qualified?"
You might be an engineer if:
- You’re certain you can build a phaser from your garage door opener and a camera flash.
- You ever burned down your school gym with your science fair project.
- You own more than one white short-sleeve dress shirt.
- You have more toys than your kids.
- You like to destroy things to see how they work.
- Your IQ is larger than your weight.
- You can remember fifteen computer passwords but not your anniversary.
- You were the sound tech for your senior prom.
- Your laptop costs more than your car.
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