Dating Quotes & Funny Dating Tweets

Dating Quotes & Funny Dating Tweets

Dating quotes from the funniest folks on Twitter. Dating tweets for young and older, 'cause all that glitters may or may not be golder. If you're single, want to mingle, check these out before you jingle.

Links to lots more dating humor at the bottom.
Share your own jokes or feedback in the Comment box.


Dating Quotes & Tweets
Group 1

DATING TIP: never reveal how many cats you have
- snowjob [email protected]

In all honesty, my new dating service, "Well You're Not So Great Yourself" hasn't really taken off like I'd hoped.
- Andy Richter [email protected]

I'm in an open relationship. Really open. He doesn't even know he's in the relationship.
- Emily [email protected]

If you think your friends really know you, wait until you see who they try to set you up with.
- Erica [email protected]

"Son, when I was your age we had to walk 50 miles uphill, in the snow with no shoes just to find out if hot, local singles were in the area."
- Sam Grittner [email protected]

Relationship status: credit card declined on eHarmony.
- Taylor [email protected]

Someone's eventually going to slip, and I'll be there. My dating strategy.
- The Mice [email protected]


Dating Quotes & One-Liners
Group 2

Hate to admit how many times I've broken up with someone and they didn't notice.
- Just Bill [email protected]

Honey, sweetie and baby are the pet names for my TV remotes.
- Jane [email protected]_bot

The best part of any relationship is when one of the people says "This may get a little weird."
- Jake Vig [email protected]_Vig

DATE: if you're gonna be on your phone the whole time then I'm leaving.
ME: (without looking up) ok then can I have the rest of your nachos?
- Br&on the Cow [email protected]_

My girlfriend always nags me about our relationship needing more "communication" and "intimacy" and "keys to the home locks I just changed."
- Brian [email protected]__Elvis

When someone asks me if I'm seeing anyone, I automatically assume they're talking about a psychiatrist.
- Shea [email protected]

Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they've only known her a couple of minutes.
- Woody [email protected]


Dating Quotes & Tweets
Group 3

Sometimes I start thinking I might want a relationship, but then I find out my car repairs are minor and I snap out of it.
- Erica [email protected]

A fun thing to do on a first date is to act all offended that she doesn't say the Pledge of Allegiance before eating.
- Guy Endore-Kaiser

One day I hope to meet that special someone who wants to prove a point to her disapproving parents.
- Ryan [email protected]

Relationships are mostly guessing what the other person is thinking, and being wrong.
- moiste porque [email protected]

Him: I can't believe you are breaking up with me.
Me: Who are you again?
- Michele McTierney [email protected]

A can of soda exploded all over me without warning and it reminded me of an ex boyfriend.
- Jane [email protected]_bot

Here's to all the single ladies! Throw your hands in the air! (1000's of cats hit the floor).
- Woody [email protected]


Dating Quotes & One-Liners
Group 4

I forgot the rules about what to do on a 3rd date so long story short, I stole his wallet and his cat.
- Jedi Cheesy Grits [email protected]

SON: Dad, Meet my date.
DAD: Join us for dinner?
DATE: I'm vegan.
DAD: Hi Vegan, I'm dad
SON: Good one, dad!
*date leaves while dad & son hi-five*
- Terry F [email protected]

Having dinner with the old boyfriend tonight and I realize it's kinda like Hollywood deciding to make a sequel to Ishtar
- Mare Bytes [email protected]

I've found it hard to sleep since I broke up with my girlfriend. I'm not upset, but when she moved out I went from 47 pillows down to just 1.
- Bread John [email protected]

Ladies, when a guy carves your names in a tree. Don't go "awww."
Go "Why the fuck did you bring a knife with you on our date?!" Then run.
- Groves [email protected]

Me: If Obi-Wan's clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn't ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
- huntigula [email protected]

Dreamt my boyfriend was cheating on me and he doesn't understand why I'm pissed off at him today. Boys are so stupid.
- I am CanadianCyn [email protected]


Comment ~ Share ~ Like ~ Tweet ~ Follow

Submit your own Joke in the Comment Box

New! Comments

Leave A Note or Share A Joke! All comments are moderated by the Head Lafologist.

Want more dating and mating humor? If so, go here:

Funny Dating Quotes

Funny Dating Jokes

Or go back from "Dating Quotes" to "Cute Quotes"

Or back to the Home Page: "Funny Jokes, Funny Quotes, Funny Sayings"