60th Birthday Humor

60th birthday humor to loosen up your laugh lines and lighten up with gag time. Short clean jokes and other funny stuff to graduate from the fifties with humor. Upward!

60th Birthday Humor: One-liners

Now that I’m 60, every morning I look in the mirror and say, “I don’t know who you are, stranger, but I’m gonna shave you anyway.”
- Milton Friedman, speechwriter

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She’s 97 today and we don’t know where the hell she is.
- Ellen De Generes

You know you’re turning 60 when your husband wants a DNA sample to make sure you’re the same woman he married.
- Anonymous

I recently turned 60. Practically a third of my life is over.
- Woody Allen

One good thing about being 60 is you argue less. It’s not so much that you’re nicer, you just can’t hear each other.
- Anonymous

60th Birthday Humor: Short Clean Jokes

A 60 year old woman goes to see a matchmaker. One of her criteria is a man with regular bowel movements.
The matchmaker asks, “Does it matter if they’re voluntary?”

Murray, who’s made a fortune in the market and is recently widowed, hasn’t been seen for awhile. But on his 60th birthday he invites his friends to the club for a party. He shows up with a smashing young blonde in her mid-20s. She’s not only sexy as all get-out, she seemingly adores Murray, laughs at every clever thing he says, and hangs all over him. When she goes to the ladies room, his friends zone in and ask him how he finagled the trophy squeeze.
“Guys,” says Murray, “I’d appreciate it if you’d refer to her as my wife, since she is.”
“No kidding!” they say. “Was it hard convincing her to marry an older guy?”
“Nope,” says Murray. “I just lied about my age.”
“Well just how young did you tell her you are?”
“Young? God, no. I told her I was 75 with a heart murmur.”

Funny Stuff: "Turning Sixty"

When you hit sixty:

You start boring complete strangers with your medical problems.

It's like going to a haunted house. Lots of creepy noises and smells you can’t explain.

You might start feeling like you’re “old.” But let’s face it, you were old last year.

A nap chance sounds better than a lap dance.

You save all your important reading for the bathroom.

Life is no longer just a pain in the ass. Everything else hurts too.

It takes four people to light the candles on your cake before the first ones have gone out.

It’s not the cop, it’s the doctor who’s telling you to slow down.

You shut off the lights for the cost benefits instead of the sex benefits.

For breakfast, you actually eat cereal instead of last night’s chicken wings and leftover pizza.

Your cereal is chosen for the fiber content instead of the toy content.

Your narrow waist and broad mind have traded places.

You say things like, “little shaver,” “teenybopper,” “whippersnapper,” “wet behind the ears,” and “snotnosed punk.”

Amusement park tickets cost more for your grandkids than you.

Other people say you look great, then add, “for your age.”

Your recliner has more controls than your motor vehicle.

60th Birthday Humor: More One-liners

When you’re 60, nothing works like it used to, especially not my husband.
- Melanie White

At 60, your hair becomes a cosmic joke. It moves from your head to your ears and your nose. And you can’t see it without one of those giant funhouse mirrors.
- Greg Tamblyn

At 60, “walking the dog” actually means walking the dog.
- Greg Tamblyn

When you’re 60, you have a lot more than you used to – especially aches and pains.
- Melanie White

Now that I’m 60, I can travel light because I don’t really care what I look like.
- Melanie White

60th Birthday Poem:

You might think it’s really nifty
Sixty’s now the brand new fifty
And you would not now have the blues
If your gut had heard the news.
- Greg Tamblyn

Cool 60th Birthday Gift

60-year-olds can be hard to buy for. But CafePress solves that problem with fun, unique 60th birthday presents in all price ranges. It's a blast to shop, quality gifts, easy ordering, and great customer service. Check 'em out and let me know what you think!

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